The Ringer... Review!

If you had any desire to see this movie, watch South Park Episode 803, Up the Down Steroid. There are scenes in the movie nearly identical to the South Park Ep. Plus, South Park is 100x funnier. The funniest parts are what they show in the commercials. By Far. And guys (and some of you girls), not one bare breast in the whole thing. Don't waste your time.

Out of Five Special people, I give it One Special Person, since one is the lowest score on my shitty scale of five.


The Grand Canyon State, Day 1

Jonny and I just got back from this hidden neighborhood brewery Four Peaks Brewery, and now that I'm sufficiently buzzed, I'll regale you all with tales from the last 24 hours in Arizona.

The drive took 5 hours, which is pretty good timing, I hear. NOTHING exciting happened, except we heard the wonders of Howard 100 on Sirius Satellite Radio. Now, I want a Sirius. Once we got to Tempe, we unpacked, and went to Jon's second apartment (long story) in Scottsdale to hang out with Jon's friends John and Greg. We ate pizza and wings, and I experienced the wonders of XBox 360. It's a cool system, but if you don't have it yet, wait for some more games to come out before buying. I played Project Gotham Racing, NBA 2K6, and Tony Hawk's American Wastland (THAW). They're all pretty good, but the developers could use a little more time to perfect graphics and shit. The built-in 4-way wireless controllers and Wi-Fi are slammin', though. Jon, John, & Greg's maltese terrier is pretty awesome, too.

Today, jonn had his Winter class, so I hung out and dedicated a good hour and a half to Knights of the Old Republic II until he got home. Then, off to lunch @ Fuddruckers, and a tour of the area.

Now, we're home, post brewery, cookin' up some spaghetti, then we're back out for more drinkin, and I'm gonna stay the night at Apartment #2, in the unused queen bed Jonny's got.

When I get back, I'll have a chance to upload the pics I've been taking, so you'll all have to wait until Friday to see some of the stuff I've been talking about.

Oh yeah, and before you all ask me, we've had a few visits from this guy already:


Off to Arizona...

I'm about 5 minutes from heading out to AZ with Jonny.
I'll be gone until Friday afternoon, and probably won't get online very much. If you need me, please call. Otherwise, I'll be back on Friday.

America West Flight #6309, btw.

See ya.


Open Letter to Theater Audiences

       Among the nerd/moviephile community, there's a heated debate in regard to actually seeing movies in theaters. The "Theater Experience" is a HUGE part of American Cinema, and there have been times where we've all lined up at midnight, excited as fuck to see Huge Movie Franchise, Part ∏ or Comic Book Superhero Adaptation. Also, there are few that go out of our way to go to theaters that feature all-digital progection, or all-THX screening rooms. Those of us who do such things are, in my eyes, moviephiles. The midnight screenings are awesome, because you and everyone else are there with the same goals in mind: To see this movie and have a good time while you're at it. The last five to ten theater experiences I've had (that I can remember) have involved my being excited about this movie. These aren't midnight experiences, by the way. The motherfucker behind me is talking to his girlfriend, there's a kid eight rows in front of me yelling, talking loudly, and there's just general conversations happening throughout the theater. I like to call this "inconsiderate behavior." This isn't the kind of shit that happens in midnight showings, because everyone expects everyone else to be quiet, and everyone acts in kind. When did this etiquette cease to be commonplace? Everyone I know doesn't talk during movies. And if they do, they whisper. Do you all know what that means? If you know me, then you've got to have the brainpower to know what whispering is. It's italicized for emphasis, people. Whispered emphasis. If I wanted to hear people talk out loud during a movie, I'd invite 15 people over to watch a movie we've all seen 20 times each. For some reason I always expect theater goers to be quiet, and every time I'm disappointed. Like the very foundation of what I hold in faith is shaken to it's very core. I go to the theater because I want to get out of my house and see a movie, but if this is how audienced are going to be, then I might as well forget the whole thing.

       I argued at length with an ex of mine a few months back about the theater experience. I was for it. Her, opposed. She said that her and her spouse spent thousands of dollars on home theater equipment (projector, screen, high-end (probably) component surround sound) so they didn't have to watch movies at the theater. I said they were dumb asses. Not only for spending money they don't have on a home theater, but for denying the entire theater-going process. If memory serves, she was pretty firm in her anti-theater stance. I said that they were missing out on movies that were worth seeing in a theater setting. There's nothing worse than people who don't see hot movies, officially place themselves 'behind the times,' wait for the DVD, and expect people to accept them into the loop regarding said movie. It'd be like waiting to see the LOTR trilogy at home, when every other person you know has seen it in the theater. When you want to talk about it, everyone else is done. Burnt out. You've missed the boat, and you're now an asshole. Now, I see the charm watching movies nigh-exclusively at home offers.

       With movies coming out on DVD within 3 months of their theatrical release, and bootlegs available for purchase/download at least as early as the theatrical premiers, it becomes less and less prevalent to see films as soon as they come out, or even in the theater at all. Within the next solstice or equinox of a particular release, Best Buy, Costco, Circuit City, and Target will be stocked up their asses with copies upon copies of the latest DVD release that movie studios are destined to pimp with near-religious ferver. And the sooner it comes out, the less the movie is worth time and effort to perform the 3 vital steps to DVD ownership:


How many times have you done this with your copy of Dukes of Hazzard, Ice Princess, or Final Destination 2? Exactly.

       There's a buzz about some movies being released over multiple media on it's premier date. In otherwords, your movie of choice is released in theaters, DVD, and Video On Demand PPV on the SAME DAY. In fact, there's a battle being waged between two giants livin' in the hillside about this very subject. M. Night Shyamalan is of the mind that theater-going is vital to the lifeblood of his art, and that he will refuse to make movies if movie companies shoot for a simultaneous multi-platform release.

Shyamalan said:

If you tell audiences there's no difference between a theatrical experience and a DVD, then that's it, game's over, and that whole art form is going to go away slowly. Movies will end up being this esoteric art form, where only singular people will put films out in a small group of theaters.

The other giant, Steven Soderbergh, is for (and under contract to produce) multi-platform released, full length feature movies. In particular, arthouse and Indie films stand to benefit greatly from this type of release. How often has a little independent/foreign movie no one's ever heard of won an armful of awards, and has become intriguing enough to want to see, but by the time your interest is piqued, it's gone from theaters, and almost impossible to find on DVD, and not necessarily worth purchasing for $14.99 if you're only planning on watching it once. With a simultaneous release for Video On Demand, this opens up these little movies to a much broader audience.

Soderbergh said from This Site:
I went to Mark Cuban's 2929 Entertainment - they own a Hi-Definition channel in the States, and they have just bought the largest arthouse theatres in the States, the Landmark Theatres - and I said, 'I think it's time that we put a film out in every format at the same time. I think this is inevitable and I want us to experiment with this idea of not having any hold-back windows for these films. I think the consumer should have that option.'

Soderbergh plans eventually to cut the studios out altogether.

This, he says, is what digital technology can unleash. "You'll see named film-makers self-distributing their own films. That's where this is going to go. If I can go to the bank and get money to make the movie, and in two to four years' time the digital changeover has happened in the US and all the theatres are digitally projecting, I'll just go right to the theatres and make a deal with them. I'm certainly going to pursue that."

       So would you support a movie that released simultaneously on multiple media? After after the cumulative total of tonight's experience, along with the last handful of theater experiences, I can answer "YES" wholeheartedly to that question. I'd even invest in a plasma HD television and all the trimmings, just to know the only person spoiling my theater experience is me.

Crazy Delicious!!

You all know what kind of soda that is. And yes, it was...

Post Xmas Wrap-Up

Good Xmas.
Cool Gifts.
South Park.
Family Guy.
The Simpsons.
Harmon Mute.
Family Fun.
Roscoes Tomorrow.
For Lunch.
Call Me.
By Noon.
Then Movie.
King Kong.
Before Dinner.
Arizona Tuesday.
Much Drinking.
Back Friday.
Good Times.
More To Come.


T'was the night before Christmas...

And all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
All the stockings were hung,
By the chimney with care.
In hopes that St. Nicholas,
would soon be there.

And I've got wrapping to do. I got a little dough, and managed to figure out what to get for Dad, and he hooked it up for me for Mom this year. Jonny's gonna have to wait until next week, then I'll help him deck the shit out of his new room. Otherwise, I'm here tonight, chillin'. I might practice, I'll probably read comics. There's a slim chance I might fire up the ol PS2 or GameCube, but lets not count our presents before they're hatched. Hope you all are having a Christmas Eve that's as easy as mine, and Mazel Tov to all of you if yours is more exciting.

Tomorrow morning, the circus begins here. Contrary to popular belief, as Jewish as I am, I LOVE Christmas, and we celebrate it at the Long household with great enthusiasm. Besides, my Dad's not Jewish. We'll exchange gifts, then the cooking begins. We always have a shitload of people over, so it's always nice, and there's always a ton of food and drink. Jon's gonna bartend this year. He just has to get his game on, or else it's me doing the bartending duties. We will also be celebrating Chanukkah tomorrow night, by the way.

Hope you all were good this year, and that Santa brings you all your Holiday wishes. For all you assholes and pricks of 2005 who read this, watch out for this guy...

He's German.

Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Good Night.

Oh yeah, if you're looking for something to do after you have dinner, come on over to my place. There's plenty of booze, and my family is pretty fun. Just be sure to gimme a call before you come over.

Land of the Rising Sun

Eric blogged about this two weeks ago, but I don't know how many of you make your way over to his neck of the woods yet, so it's my turn to share.

There's a program called JET where if you have a BA, you can go to Japan (and possibly other countries) and teach English to 12 to 15 year old students, with no prior knowledge of Japanese culture of language. I think you're under contract for a year at a time, and you make $30K-$35K a year, but out of your $30K, you pay all your living expenses, food, etc. Anyway, there's this dude from San Francisco who's on his third year of teaching English, and he's chronicled his time there in journal form. I'd call it a blog, but it's a little more formal than your standard blog, so I'll give it a little respect. The gentleman in question goes by "Azrael," and though his real name pops up every now and again, I'll let you discover it. I've read through the entirety of his entries, up to the most recent, Dec 22, 2005. If you've ever wondered what a 6'3", 200 lb. Black Man might go through if he moved to J-pan to teach English to hormonally raging preteens, go no further. Hilarity ensues. The man has a lot to say, and is quite the storyteller. I've found myself laughing out loud several times, to the point of not being able to continue reading until I've regained composure. I'm sure there's a ton of other stuff on his site, but I've only really looked at his I Am A Japanese School Teacher. Give it some time if you got some free. It's well worth it.


My Spidey-Sense is tingling!

Who're you?
For the guys.
For the girls.

Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk #1

I don't normally talk about specific comics here (besides Ex, Y, & Runaways), but I can't resist for this one.

Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk #1 came out Wendesday, and though it was very hyped in the comics world (written by Damon Lindelof, writer of a little show called Lost), the first issue is incredible.

If you're not ready for geek mode, stop reading right now.

In The Ultimates, Bruce Banner (vegetarian) creates the Hulk formula while trying to recreate the Captain America Super-soldier serum. Thinking he got the recipe right, he tests it on himself, with... unintended results. Let loose in Manhattan, The Hulk goes on a killing spree and kills 800 people. Eats a few of them, too, including Freddie Prinze Jr. Well, he changes back into Bruce Banner at some point, and gets caught. In lieu of a cure, or supervillian prison, they knock him out, ship his ass out on an aircraft carrier to the middle of the Atlantic, and drop an atomic bomb on him. No muss, no fuss. Well, the last panel of the issue is Banner's eye, with bright green iris, wide open. Which leads the reader to believe Banner/Hulk survived.

This brings us to UWvsH. The US government sends their #1 killing machine to find and kill the Hulk. Pretty simple, right? Take a look at my new favorite splash page in comics, ever, PAGES TWO & THREE of issue one:

Lindelof's turned the book on it's head before it's hardly started. I still get chills looking at the page, and I've seen it dozens of times. The best splash in comics right now. If you buy comics, buy this one. If you happen to see it in Borders, give it a read. If you don't read comics, but are curious, this is one to keep an eye on. There's 5 more issues to go, by the way.

And no, Wolverine can't just grow new legs.


... And a banana cognac, biatch!

[Dave Chappelle] knew that at the same time he was signing his record-setting deal, there was a secret cabal of powerful African-American leaders from the business, political, and entertainment industries working together to ensure that the third season of Chappelle's Show would never happen.

The conspiracy theory for why Chappelle's Show, Season 3 hasn't aired yet. I dunno how long this site's been up, but it's sure educational. Chapppelle fans owe themselves a chance to read this quasi-factual documentation.

The Chappelle Theory


Yesterday ended up being a long day, even though I woke up late, and went to work even later. I did a little contruction, then after the sun went down, we had to do a little secret work for Dave, which pretty much was moving a bunch of crap out of storage, onto palates, and back into different storage. We were there until 1030pm. Then, we went to Steamers, where Ryan was on stage behind a vocalist. The guy was pretty good, though a little too engaging. He kept looking at me. I could be paranoid, but I'm not down with eye contact from guys I don't know. Well, really I'm not down with guys making long-term eye contact with me. That's gay stuff. Anyway, I digress. A couple beers later, it was 1 am, and Eric and I were out of there. Took him home, I came home, and found an email (myspace message) from the girl who I thought had a crush on me. [paraphrases to follow]

The first message she sent last friday was friendly enough. Hey, remember me. You're cool. Thanks for not getting me in trouble. Add me. That's a pretty succinct synposis. Well, I'm a guy. And the way male humans work, if you ignore something, it goes away. So I tried the best I could to not respond or show any sign of interest/concern/attention to this girl.

Well, yesterday I get a message more along the lines of Jeff. Why haven't you added me yet? I might be young, but I'm not stupid. I know you're ignoring me. Actually, forget it, don't bother replying. I don't want to talk to you, anyway.

So I replied with as pragmatic an email as I could. Look, don't take it personally that I haven't added you. I am a professional, and myspace is personal. I don't intend to mix my professional life with personal. If you see me on campus, we can discuss this. Otherwise, please understand that I won't be adding you to my friends list. Also, It's Mr. Long, not Jeff

She replied today saying she understands my perspective. Megan thinks I should be going to the counselor or principal of her school, and making them aware of the situation. I think I'll do that tomorrow, since it's 6pm already.

Tiny Tim and his ukuelele will go wanting.

I just found out that my State issued paycheck for substitute teaching won't come until January 3rd. Anyone expecting gifts is gonna have to wait until my car payment is made on December 25th, and my other, less important bills are current before I even think of Christmas presents. I hate to do this to everyone, but I am effectively screwed two weeks longer than previously thought.

Bah, Humbug.
-Ebenezer Scrooge

Quick Blog.

it's late, I'm tired. I want to blog, cause I have a lot to talk about. I'm not going to yet, but maybe tomorrow. I think one of the student's from last week's fiasco is crushin' on ol' Mr. Long, and I took decisive action to try to stop the shit before she gets all Looney Tunes on me. I've been thinking on this for the last hour or so, and now I just want to go to bed. More to come tomorrow. I swear.


Mister Pibb And Red Vines Equals Crazy Delicious!

It's the Chronic- What?! -cles of Narnia!

If you missed SNL the other night, take a look at this. It doesn't disappoint.


Here's the DL-able version.


"Truffle Shuffle," then "Internal Debate"

The ever-impressive Barbie has taken it upon herself to make some awesome Christmas presents this year. Chocolates. Truffles, to be specific. I tasted 'em in the melted chocolate stage. Mmm... melted chocolate... I asked her if I could add Gummi Bears to the recipe. She said no.

I'm here in bed, just returned from a wonderful weekend with Barb. A weekend of staying up late. Then I get home and prepare to face the work week. Every Sunday night, around Midnight, I go through this internal debate:

I should go to bed and rest up in case I have to teach tomorrow. Zzz...


Shit! Stroker & Hoop is coming on in 30 minutes, and it's a new one.

What to do, what to do...

:::Crisis Averted:::

Ok, it's not as bad as I thought. Barb said she's been having problems with the power strip the charger was plugged into. A quick wiggle, and voila!

It's all good.

Uh oh...

So my laptop isn't taking a charge, so I think I'm gonna shut it down with 30% left so I can start it when I need to.


"Learning Lessons The Hard Way"

With your host, Jeff Long.

Welcome, and thanks for stopping by. Today, I'll be your guide through the magical voyage of "Learning Lessons The Hard Way."

Last night, I went to Barb's, which is where I am now. I brought a wonderful $40 bottle of wine with me, as a 'Christmas Present' to the both of us, which we were both looking very forward to sharing. Ruffino Ducale Reserve, 1997. Bought at Pavillions last week. Every fiber in my being told me not to spend $40 on one bottle of wine at the Supermarket, but I somehow managed to convince myself that it was ok. We opened it, poured it onto Barb's decanter, and let it breathe. I poured a taste, and was dismayed at the $40 bottle of vinegar I ended up buying. The DOCG would've shit it's collective pants.

Lesson One:

Don't waste your time or money buying expensive bottles of wine at the store. Especially ones that are 8 years old. Supermarkets aren't equipped to store wine properly for extended periods of time. Go to wine stores (like The Wine Exchange, on Tustin and Heim in Orange, near the former Orange Mall), or at LEAST a BevMo, who also know what they're doing when it comes to vino.

Lesson Two:

(This actually took place before lesson one) When you pick up a take-out order from a place that promises "free 15 minute Valet parking" with your order, be sure to tell the valet your intentions. I argued with the head valet for 5 minutes before I was forced to pay $6 for 5 minutes (not including the 5 spent arguing) of valet parking. He told me I should've known, and I said "that's bullshit!"

I know it's really pretentious (and Southern Californian) to complain about problems with valet parking and wine, but these things really pissed me off last night. I used every zen-power I had to not have road rage on the drive home. We ended up having a nice time, after the wine fiasco, cause we had a reserve bottle of Kendall Jackson Zinfandel in the wings. And KJ's always dependable. I might chose somethng different than zinfandel next time, but the wine was good.


40 Random Stupid Questions

40 Random Stupid Questions, stolen from Barb, who stole 'em from Ben.

1. Do you like chinese food?

Oh yes.

2. How big is your bed?
It's long, but not very big at all.

3. Is your room clean? Organized?

4. Laptop or Desktop computer?
My Powerbook

5. Favorite comedian?
Dave Chappelle, David Cross, & Richard Pryor

6. Do you smoke?
Not much nowadays, but I do every now and again

7. Sleep with or without clothes on?
It depends on a lot of things

8. Who sleeps with you every night?
Only my huge... ego.

9. Do long distance relationships work?
I'd be inclined to think so.

10. How many times have you been pulled over by the police?
At least 5 times, but no tickets.

11. Pancakes or French Toast?
Pancakes, baby.

12. Do you like coffee?
Not every day.

13. How do you like your eggs?
For breakfast.

14. Do you believe in astrology?
Horoscopes are so vaguely accurate, how can I not?

15. Last person you talked to on the phone?

16. Last person on your missed call list?
Jonny, then Barbie.

17. What was the last text message you received?
"Yeah and they bought all new furniture"-jonny

18. McDonalds or Burger King?
Arches, all the way.

19. Number of pillows?
I use two for sleep.

20. What are you hearing right now?
Howard Stern's last terrestrial radio broadcast.

21. Pick a lyric, any lyric or song.
Fried Neckbones & Some Homefries

22. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Strawberry, baby!

23. Can you play pool?
Better than some...

24. Do you know how to swim?
One could call it that.

25. Favorite ice cream?
Today, Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra

26. Do you like maps?

27. Tell me a random fact:
Wolverine's (from Marvel Comics) REAL name is 'James Howlett.'

28. Ever play spin the bottle?
Surprisingly, no. Same with 'Truth or Dare.'

29. Ever attend a theme party?

30. What is your favorite season?

31. Favorite quote?
"From the womb to the tomb"

33. Last time you laughed at something stupid?
About 30 seconds ago.

34. What time did you wake up this morning?

35. Best thing about winter?
That is only lasts 6 weeks here.

36. Last time a cop gave you a ticket?
Last year, when some bitch-ass meter maid gave me a parking ticket AND a ticket for no front plate.

37. Name of your first pet?
MY first pet was a cat named 'Goldie.'

38. Do you think pirates are cool or overrated?
I think they don't get their proper due.

39. What do you do on weekdays?
Lately: substitute teaching, napping, construction, music lessons, practicing, poker, lots and lots of internet, and reading.

39. What are you doing this weekend?
Thinkin' I'm gonna go up to Barbie's. Probably a movie, some food, much booze, and some quiet time.

40. Are You desperate for anything right now?
Money. Lots of Money. And my own place.


Ex Machina #1

In my everlasting quest to pimp the awesome, and for all of you that took my word on Y the Last Man #1, I've added another freebie to the sidebar.

Ex Machina #1. In New York City, the World's first "superhero" decides that he could make more of a difference if he ran for public office. More specifically, he runs and becomes the post-September 11th mayor of New York. If you were worried about spoilers, don't fret. You find this out within the first page or two. Written by the funny book writer I dig the most right now, Brian K. Vaughan, and penciled by the incredible Tony Harris. If you took a chance on Y, take a chance on this one. You won't be sorry.

Click here to download. For Free. You Bastard.

Things I've learned today:

1. If you say "What the Hell?!" in front of 12 and 13 year-olds, they will have a shit fit and threaten to "tell on you."

2. Any amount of yelling to maintain order does nothing. Passing out detentions like candy works marginally better.

3. Don't tell twelve and thirteen year old girls that you're on MySpace if they ask you.

4. Don't tell twelve thirteen year old girls your first name (see #3 for 'why').

5. MySpace bridges the generation gap. My 12 year old students are on it, near everyone I know is on it, and I was just added by tragically hip 29 y/o comic writer Brian K. Vaughan.

(BKV if you are crazy enough to read my blog, I want you to know you'll always be 8th of the Top Eight in the MySpace of My Heart).


The teacher I was in for today is a pushover with his students. I just figured they were misbehaved with me, but no. He doesn't maintain control of his class. He left me a stupid ass worksheet that the kids finished in 20 minutes of a 48 minute class period. So 6 times today (I was in for 6 periods), 20 minutes into class, this dialogue takes place:

"Mr. Long, I'm finished with the worksheet. What do I do now?"
"Um... did you do both sides of it?"
"Uh oh, I'm out of plans! Fuck!"

Okay, I didn't really say that last part. But that's what happened every time today. And I would've liked them to sit quietly, but asking 13 year old boys and girls to sit quietly is like asking 13 year old boys and girls to stop jerking off. It's never gonna happen. And there you are, holding one towel for 38 students to share. Figuratively. So I spent the majority of my wonderful day yelling at slackers, telling preteen girls why they shouldn't fight one another and why they shouldn't call other girls 'sluts', pleading with the next period to not be like the last period, and being an asshole.

This Just In

I just received a message from one of the 7th grade kids I had today. Her MySpace profile says she's 27... what has become of the youth of America? I blame Paris Hilton.


Last Laugh '05

It's worth a watch. Comedy Central, bitches. William Shatner as Satan. Who looks as awful lot like Harvey Keitel in the Devil get-up. Lewis Black never disappoints, David Cross knows how to "Git-R-Done," and Sarah Silverman has more talent in her pussy and asshole than most people do in their whole bodies. They also show a montage of Chappelle's Show Season 3, which I'm once again stoked for.

Oh, Jewish Guilt. Will you ever learn?

If only I could place my hands on my hips and shake my head at my own sense of guilt, like so much 70s sitcom.

I'm perusing myspace today, and became curious about who was on there from high school that I might've been friends with. I found the page of a guy who I was close friends with in like 6th grade, and then more like acquaintances with in HS. I saw his name, and instantly felt guilty, cause I used to call the guy a 'fag' in my less enightened days. And this was cause I thought he was homosexual (not how I'd call Ryan a 'fag' for beating my Ace high straight with a flush on the river. That motherfucker), and I was intolerant of that type of shit as an insecure 15/16 year old. I've harbored this guilt over it for ten years, and I've wanted to apologize, and if I ever were to see the guy, I would try to make my peace. Well, I take a look at his blog, and guess what? He's gay. All this guilt I've had for all these years, and it was all for naught. I know that doesn't negate any stupid behavior of mine in the past. I just figure that's the special kind of irony my life is subject to. Being guilt ridden for something that's probably inconsequential in the long run in the other person's eyes.

Well, in case you stumble upon the House of X, Adam W., like I stumbled on your blog, I'd like to take this moment to atone.

I'm sorry if I made any length of time around me at all uncomfortable back in the day, or you felt ostracized by me in any way. Like everyone was back then, I was a stupid asshole. And now that this is out in the ether, hopefully it finds it's way to you, and that there's no hard feelings. Unless this has somehow put the ol' tingle in the trousers for ya. If that's the case, then knock yourself out.

Jesus, aren't well-timed boner jokes funny?

How much caffeine does it take to kill YOU?

Death By Caffeine

40 more hits, baby

Until we reach 5000! Five thousand hits (since February?), 13 months, and one moniker change later, House Of X is still going strong. Thanks, all, who keep watching my self-depricating sense of humor, and tune in for my uninformed social commentary. But ponder this. I'd be even more boring if I didn't have this catharsis every day or so to sieve out all the bullshit that collects in my brain.

Thanks, babies.

I apparently can't read Arabic numerals late at night.


Who cut the...

Buffalo Mozzarella
Garlic & Herb Feta
Kraft Powdered Parmesan
Pepper Jack
Queso Fresco
Goat Cheese
Grated Myzithra
Grated Parmasean
Garlic Brie

and Limfuckingburger.

All of that shit, and not one motherfucking wedge of Parmesan in the entirety of Vons.

Okay, Look.

I'm not picky. I've just discovered the wonders of cooking and eating freshly grated parmesan. This is after spending 25 years with only the Kraft powdered garbage bullshit variety. I'm on a huge cooking kick lately. Ask Barb. I mean, I've always enjoyed cooking. And I'm not afraid to take a few risks at the stove. Especially when I know it's gonna turn out pretty well. I just don't cook very often. Living at home isn't very conducive to cooking what and whenever you want. Well, a profound lack of money has the same effect. I've been addicted to shows like Iron Chef and Jamie Oliver's two shows, The Naked Chef and Oliver's Twist. I've even started watching Emeril Live again. I'm inspired. Just ask my lovely counterpart how last Saturday's dinner turned out. Suffice it so say, I'm a hit in the kitchen. I tried recreating the wonderful meal tonight, and it was good. A little too garlicky, but otherwise OK.

Now I'm up in the tower, finishing my bottle of mediocre 2003 Hess Select Cab. I know! I'm sorry. The price was right. Can't a motherfucker spend $12 on a bottle of wine? I mad up for it. There was a bottle of '97 Ruffino Reserve Chianti I bought for Miss Noren and myself. When we throw our Christmas Party. By invitation only. There's a strict dress code, too. Bah-dump bump.

Thank You & G'night.


Sacrilage at it's Finest

Holiday Spoiler Ahead, Jonny.
You might want to wait to read this.

My mom had new Christmas stockings made up for everyone, since we've used the same ones since I was born. And admittedly, they're a little worn. Last year, she said she was thinking about having nice custom stockings made up, and I said if she does, she has to get me a Hanukkah themed stocking made up. Well, she did. And it's awesome.


No school today.

I didn't get a school call this morning, partly to my dismay. I never know what I'm gonna be doing until I wake up. If I wake up at 530 from a phone call, then I know what to expect. If I can sleep in until 830 (which isn't very much 'sleeping in' at all), then I'm usually off the hook. Today's a good day to be free, anyway, since I have lessons tonight (and every Thursday night), and I've played Ø times since my Saturday lessons. So now that longtones and lip slurs are out of the way, I just need to deliberate on what to do next. There's a list of about 12 different things I need to work on, but it's really not practical for me to burn my chops up half way into practicing. Especially with students tonight. We're talking 3 hours into like 5 possible practice hours here (and my students have trouble with an hour a week). I need to do x2 & x3 tonguing, etudes, ii-V7 & iii-VI7-ii-V7 patterns, and learn a tune (or two) along with chord changes. And I know I'll be burnt up after two-fives. I need to start taking lessons again. Like one a month, at least. Just for a little direction.


Add another one to the list of pet peeves.

Ladies and Gentlemen, if any of you make your way to the drive-thru, it is your duty to close the distance to the person in front of you. None of this car length bullshit. At least not if the drive-thru is packed. If it's only a few cars, then just make sure the person behind you can get to the box. Dammit. And I bet people that make problems in the drive-thru are the same people that drive 65 in the fast lane and think that's ok. Motherfuckers.


Just kidding.

I meant X3. As in X-Men 3. As in coming out in 6 and a half months, X-Men 3. A slew of new mutants and characters featured in this one. Including Angel, Colossus, Madrox (whom too few of you know), and the one I'm looking most forward to, Beast. Played by Kelsey Grammer. The teaser trailer is up, and looks fucking sweet. Take a look:

Right Here, Baby


Réspondez S'il Vous Plait

It's incredible, the difference in children's behavior, over a small amount of geographic distance. For example, I've been to 3 middle schools within, say, 5 miles of one another. And the school I've been to the most, has a few bastards, but a lot of the kids still seem... pretty innocent. More innocent than average 12 year olds, I guess. Like, there are those that act up, but I can usually get the better of them with a few threats, and a raise of the voice. Last Friday, my bad classes were full of terrible, disrespectful motherfuckers. No amount of threats or shouting had any effect. Today, the kids I taught were very receptine to someone who treated them less like little kids, and with a little more respect. I was able to keep 5 of my 6 classes under control (the one I had trouble with was a behavior risk/US history for ESL kids class). I told everyone today that Mr. Long's only rule today is to keep the noise level down, and the kids managed to respect that, with a few loud reminders from the new sub. "The last thing I want is for you guys to leave class and say, 'God! Mr. Long sucks!' I'd hate to be 'the mean sub,' so if you guys respect my rules, I'll respect you." That went over pretty well.

I helped them with their independent classwork whenever I could. When they were working today, one of my kids asked what RSVP meant (which had nothing to do with the assignment), and I said I had no idea. I hope we all learned something today. Except Ryan, who more than likely knows what RSVP stands for without my interaction.


Where's my blog?

If you're reading this, that's good. Cause I can't. I'm getting a 403 Error whenever I enter the URL:

"The requested URL was not found on this server. Please visit the Blogger homepage or the Blogger Knowledge Base for further assistance."

Fuck Blogger.


Pandora's Box

I've been stealing a ton of links from other people lately, and this one's no exception.


Click this link, type in what you like, and it chooses similar things you might enjoy, based on your selection. I've played with it, but not to a huge extent, since I just discovered it. Have fun, all. Link to follow in the sidebar.


David Cross -vs.- Larry-The-Cable-Guy

Hilarity Ensues.

One guy said something, the other guy rebutts, and back and forth we go. Redneck comedy fucking sucks. Sorry guys. Well, it pales in comparison to David Cross. Take a look at Cross' Open Letter to Mr. The-Cable-Guy.

SO, I went and got your book, "Gitting-R-Donned", and excitedly skimmed past the joke about that one time you farted and something farty happened, on past the thing about the fat girl who farted and finally found it, . Well, needless to say I farted. I farted up a fartstorm right there in the Flyin' J Travel Center. I fartingly bought the book and took it home with an excitement I haven't experienced since I got Bertha Chudfarter's Grandma drunk and she took her teeth out and blew me as I was finger banging her while wearing a Jesus sock puppet in the back of the boiler room at The Church of the Redeemer off I-20 (I don't care who you are, that's funny.)

...Later on...

You took umbrage at my calling a lot of your act anti-gay and racist and said that "...according to Cross and the politically correct police, any white comedians who mention the word 'black' or say something humorous but faintly negative about any race are racists."

Well, first of all, your act is racist. Maybe not all the time, but it certainly can be. Here, let me quote you back, word for word, some of your "faintly negative" humor and I'll let people judge for themselves.

Re: Abu Ghraib Torture -

"Let me ask some of these commie rag head carpet flying wicker basket on the head balancing scumbags something!"

Cross writes an extremely funny and compelling (yet loooooong) letter, but if you've got the time, it's worth a read.



Because I want you all to be happy:

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is giving away coupons for a free pint of their ice cream. All you have to do is register at their site for it.



Tiiiiiiiiiiiime is on my side, yes it is.

When my grandmother died in 1998, none of us inherited much. Plus, she had no Last Will & Testament. She lived well, but was by no means rich. After her death, we got the chance to go through her things, and decide, calmly and rationally, what our inheritance was gonna be. I chose (or was given by my Mom and Uncles), among other sentimental things, a gold pocket watch and a Violin. A few year ago, I had the violin repaired, and the woman that fixed it told me the violin was made in Hamm, Germany with a unique dark wood, and it pre-dates the American Civil War. She never appraised it for me, but in retrospect, it's probably better that I don't know. The gold pocketwatch, I never gave much thought to. All I knew was that it worked when I got it. I played with it, and put it in a slight state of disrepair, but somehow managed to fix the damage, though I never gave much thought to it's age or possible value. This morning, I found a site with comprehensive serial number records for this particular watchmaker, all the way back to 1867.

This 14K Gold watch was one of 1000 of this style made in 1882. I was pretty surprised to find that out, since no one in my family really had any knowledge about it. Now, I just need to find out who used to wear it, so I can gauge it's ownership in my family.